Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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