Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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