I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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