Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
