I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
