Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
