Don't make out with my wife yet
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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