I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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