i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
