You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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