Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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