The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
