Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
