dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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