I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
