I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
