I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
