I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
