I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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