she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
