If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
