i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
