Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
