Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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