I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
