I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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