I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
