I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
