Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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