Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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