She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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