Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
