Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
