At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
