help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
