Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
my poor anus
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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