My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
