So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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