He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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