I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Its about making memories worth repressing
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
