you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
