I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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