Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
