watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
