This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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