M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
