You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
