cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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