if i can run in heels then i can drive
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
