I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Alive.
So much puke
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
